Never Daunted: A New Follower’s Guide to @FakeCoachWilson

Updated for 2015:

With the hiring of Kevin Wilson as the Indiana University Head Coach in December of 2010, the Hoosier football program began a long journey out of obscurity towards relevance.

At the same time, Athletic Director Fred Glass and his staff began to make strides to greatly increase the profile of the #iufb program across several media platforms, both traditional and digital. Sometime in March 2011, a rift developed in time-space continuum of the internet opening a new parallel universe whose timeline spread out into the expanding landscape of Twitter. From that rift, somewhere near Bloomington, emerged the voice of @FakeCoachWilson.*

The story of @FakeCoachWilson has played out daily in 140 character bursts through the ups and down of a fake football staff, through recruiting coups and de-commitments, rousing pep talks, crushing losses, and a single win in 2011. Along the way themes emerged — memes and catchphrases, characters and rivals, habits and hates. Collected here is a basic (and not entirely complete) glossary which should help acquaint those new to the world of @FakeCoachWilson.


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@FakeCoachWilson — Football Coach, Husband, Father, competitive golfer, aficionado of crockpot cuisine, master of profanity, consumer of 16 oz. beers, spread offense genius, lover, proud American.

Lexy@FakeCoachWilson‘s secretary, who through frequent commands are passed. Named for the original audio messaging service used in tweets by new #iufb coach Kevin Wilson in early 2011.

Bossman Fred — IU Athletic Director Fred Glass, occasional #CrockpotWednesday guest, friend of the program, and good guy. An fireworks enthusiast and keeper of the #iufb commitment cannon,  he’s occasionally known as “Grateful Fred” for his love of classic rock and jam bands.

The @FakeCoachWilson Family — Mrs. Coach & Kids #1, #2, #3, #4, & # 5: The large family of @FakeCoachWilson includes Mrs. Coach, who he lunches with on Thursdays of game weeks, three teen girls, and two boys — also occasionally referred to as Spike & Ike.

Nancy Boy — #iubb Head Coach Tom Crean, the number one “frenemy” of @FakeCoachWilson.

Centers, Long Snappers, & O-Linemen — As a former walk-on at center for North Carolina, @FakeCoachWilson has a special place in his heart for offensive linemen: “Because the world just makes more sense looking through your legs upside-down.”

Kid Soccer Coach — IU Head Soccer Coach Todd Yeagley, roadtrip buddy of @FCW, whose chubby chipmunk cheeks earn him the “Kid” nickname.

Lunch Lady — nickname for Director of Performance Nutrition Amy Freel, who keeps a watchful eye on what #iufb athletes eat. Not a fan of #victorybacon.

President Dundee — IU President Michael McRobbie, the uber-boss of @FakeCoachWilson, is occasionally referred to as “President Dundee” or “President Serious” due to his background as an Australian. At least once a season, President Dundee comes out to practice to impress the team with stories about his days playing “footy” as a ruck-rover for St. Kilda.

Runkle — Assistant Athletic Director Jeremy Grey, once-upon-a-time host of the Kevin Wilson TV show, serial high tech bowling shirt wearer, and look-alike for the Runkle character on Californication

Aunt Jane — Jane Hoeppner, family friend of the @FakeCoachWilson Family, widow of former #iufb Head Coach Terry Hoeppner. Friend of the program

Grandpa Mallory — Former & all-time winningest #iufb Head Coach Bill Mallory, father of former Assistant Coach  Doug Mallory, driver of the fondly remembered spring break RV.

The Doorman/Commodore on the Ladder — David Woodley, Director of the Marching Hundred nerds.

Frequently Mentioned Staff:

Coach Kevin Johns — QB & WR Coach, Co-Coordinator. Brainiac, made mostly of gristle, Staff “Connect Four” Champion Winter 2012, 13 & 14.

Coach Greg Frey — Offensive Line Coach — Big man, secret coaching genius, & occasional goofball.

Coach William Inge — 2013 addition, Linebackers Coach, The John Shaft of the #iufb staff.

Coach James Patton — 2013 addition, Swiss Army Knife Coach, long time compadre of @FakeCoachWilson on the dusty trail of coaching.

Coach Brian “Soup” Knorr — 2014 addition, new Defensive Coordinator, Air Force veteran, solid dude. Hired on the strength of his #CrockpotWednesday potential.

Former Staff Members:

Coach Doug Mallory — Former Defensive Backfield Coach & Defensive Co-Coordinator, David Puddy look & soundalike. Also referred to as “Mr. Excitement” for his press conference persona.

Coach Seth Littrell — Former Offensive Coordinator, now at North Carolina. Looks like a cross between a young adult black bear and Burt Reynolds.

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Coach Mike Ekeler — Assistant Coach/DC 2011-2012, currently at Georgia. Makes Red Bull nervous and has a suspiciously flat head. Lived in an RV plugged into Memorial Stadium for four months in 2011. Batshit crazy.

Coach Jon Fabris — 2012 addition to @FakeCoachWilson‘s staff coaching the Defensive Ends & Special Teams. Has that flinty crazy-eyed look that tells you he probably knows where the bodies are buried. Batshit crazy.

Places & Things:

Crockpots@FakeCoachWilson‘s love of slow cooking grew from his early days in Bloomington when his staff would gather in Coach Ekeler’s Holiday Rambler RV to sample Ro*Tel & Velveeta queso from what was described as Ekeler’s “magical crockpot”.

#CrockpotWednesday — a weekly tradition upheld by the @FakeCoachWilson‘s staff where the coaches take turns sharing slow cooker goodness with their peers each Wednesday lunch.

#crocksticker@FakeCoachWilson‘s reward to those who tweet in what they’re enjoying at their talgate or on #CrockpotWednesday. If you earn a #crocksticker, @FCW will mail you a real sticker.

#LaFlamaBlanca — The white helmets worn by #iufb starting in 2011. The name was inspired by Kenny Power’s Mexican white suit dubbed “The White Flame” in Spanish.

#LaFlamaRoja — The traditional crimson helmets worn by #iufb.

#LaFlamaDelChromo — The candy-striped chrome helmets added for 2013.


The Jumbotron — The ginormous scoreboard in the south end of Memorial Stadium, used for Wii & Xbox play, as well as Netflix movie nights.

Ro*Tel — Longtime sponsor from the BTN network. A pallet of 42 cases of Ro*Tel was found in the bowels of the West Stands of The Rock shortly after the arrival of @FakeCoachWilson.

The Cold Tub — Post-practice and postgame therapeutic ice baths endured by #iufb athletes. Never not funny when you watch the ice water come up to some poor dude’s man parts.

The Hot Tub — the backyard retreat of @FakeCoachWilson, source of postgame #hottubtweet reflections.

The Beer Fridge — treasured garage source of @FakeCoachWilson‘s tallboys.

#helmetsticker — Chief reward from @FakeCoachWilson for #iufb players and fans. Those who earn a #helmetsticker will be mailed a real sticker.

#victorybacon — Tradition good luck pre-game breakfast & postgame reward of @FakeCoachWilson.


Tallboys@FakeCoachWilson‘s favorite size of beers can, the 16 oz. “tallboy”. @FCW is known to drink Tecate, Old Style, PBR, or Bud Light tallboys. Regulation 12 oz. & larger 22 oz. cans have been know to be acceptable substitutes in a pinch.

#tallboythirty — The @FakeCoachWilson term for happy hour.

The NEZ — The North Endzone of Memorial Stadium, home of the #iufb offices in the west wing and Bossman Fred Glass’s offices in the east side. On better days, @FakeCoachWilson & staff have been know to shoot fireworks from the towers. Also location of the “Henke Hall of Justice”, the large hall used for public events at The NEZ.

Cougardome — nickname for the Mellencamp indoor practice facility.

Slapdick Olympics — the semi-annual walk-on tryouts held by @FakeCoachWilson‘s staff. Videos of the event have been known to be good for laughs in the dark cold days of winter.

Holiday Rambler Navigator — Former LB Coach Mike Ekeler’s family RV, which became famous when Ekeler arrived in Bloomington lived in the bus at Memorial Stadium for a period immediately after he was hired.

McNutt — IU Residence Hall that @FakeCoachWilson lived in briefly immediately after his hire. Generally named in reference to lessons learned while residing there.


Slapdick — Traditional coachtalk describing a half-ass knucklehead action.

#WinToday — Kevin Wilson watchwords.

#warhammer — taken from the 2013 @FakeCoachWilson schedule poster

#CrankItUp — Kevin Wilson standard.

#LockYerJaw — a classic Bill Mallory-ism

“Everybodycoolwiththat?” — From Michael Weireb’s seminal inside look at the new 2011 #iufb program on

“Runs through trash…” — a hard to tackle running back, a Kevin Wilson classic.

“Shit in his neck” — a hardnosed football player, from the Weinreb article.

* Any representation or mention of public figures in the @FakeCoachWilson universe is done in the spirit of parody. This undertaking is done to raise interest and enthusiasm for the Indiana University Football program. Go Hoosiers.


One thought on “Never Daunted: A New Follower’s Guide to @FakeCoachWilson

  1. Pingback: Kevin Wilson’s War « Extra Points

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