Never Daunted: A New Follower’s Guide to @FakeCoachWilson

Updated for 2015:

With the hiring of Kevin Wilson as the Indiana University Head Coach in December of 2010, the Hoosier football program began a long journey out of obscurity towards relevance.

At the same time, Athletic Director Fred Glass and his staff began to make strides to greatly increase the profile of the #iufb program across several media platforms, both traditional and digital. Sometime in March 2011, a rift developed in time-space continuum of the internet opening a new parallel universe whose timeline spread out into the expanding landscape of Twitter. From that rift, somewhere near Bloomington, emerged the voice of @FakeCoachWilson.*

The story of @FakeCoachWilson has played out daily in 140 character bursts through the ups and down of a fake football staff, through recruiting coups and de-commitments, rousing pep talks, crushing losses, and a single win in 2011. Along the way themes emerged — memes and catchphrases, characters and rivals, habits and hates. Collected here is a basic (and not entirely complete) glossary which should help acquaint those new to the world of @FakeCoachWilson.

People:

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@FakeCoachWilson — Football Coach, Husband, Father, competitive golfer, aficionado of crockpot cuisine, master of profanity, consumer of 16 oz. beers, spread offense genius, lover, proud American.

Lexy@FakeCoachWilson‘s secretary, who through frequent commands are passed. Named for the original audio messaging service used in tweets by new #iufb coach Kevin Wilson in early 2011.

Bossman Fred — IU Athletic Director Fred Glass, occasional #CrockpotWednesday guest, friend of the program, and good guy. An fireworks enthusiast and keeper of the #iufb commitment cannon,  he’s occasionally known as “Grateful Fred” for his love of classic rock and jam bands.

The @FakeCoachWilson Family — Mrs. Coach & Kids #1, #2, #3, #4, & # 5: The large family of @FakeCoachWilson includes Mrs. Coach, who he lunches with on Thursdays of game weeks, three teen girls, and two boys — also occasionally referred to as Spike & Ike.

Nancy Boy — #iubb Head Coach Tom Crean, the number one “frenemy” of @FakeCoachWilson.

Centers, Long Snappers, & O-Linemen — As a former walk-on at center for North Carolina, @FakeCoachWilson has a special place in his heart for offensive linemen: “Because the world just makes more sense looking through your legs upside-down.”

Kid Soccer Coach — IU Head Soccer Coach Todd Yeagley, roadtrip buddy of @FCW, whose chubby chipmunk cheeks earn him the “Kid” nickname.

Lunch Lady — nickname for Director of Performance Nutrition Amy Freel, who keeps a watchful eye on what #iufb athletes eat. Not a fan of #victorybacon.

President Dundee — IU President Michael McRobbie, the uber-boss of @FakeCoachWilson, is occasionally referred to as “President Dundee” or “President Serious” due to his background as an Australian. At least once a season, President Dundee comes out to practice to impress the team with stories about his days playing “footy” as a ruck-rover for St. Kilda.

Runkle — Assistant Athletic Director Jeremy Grey, once-upon-a-time host of the Kevin Wilson TV show, serial high tech bowling shirt wearer, and look-alike for the Runkle character on Californication

Aunt Jane — Jane Hoeppner, family friend of the @FakeCoachWilson Family, widow of former #iufb Head Coach Terry Hoeppner. Friend of the program

Grandpa Mallory — Former & all-time winningest #iufb Head Coach Bill Mallory, father of former Assistant Coach  Doug Mallory, driver of the fondly remembered spring break RV.

The Doorman/Commodore on the Ladder — David Woodley, Director of the Marching Hundred nerds.

Frequently Mentioned Staff:

Coach Kevin Johns — QB & WR Coach, Co-Coordinator. Brainiac, made mostly of gristle, Staff “Connect Four” Champion Winter 2012, 13 & 14.

Coach Greg Frey — Offensive Line Coach — Big man, secret coaching genius, & occasional goofball.

Coach William Inge — 2013 addition, Linebackers Coach, The John Shaft of the #iufb staff.

Coach James Patton — 2013 addition, Swiss Army Knife Coach, long time compadre of @FakeCoachWilson on the dusty trail of coaching.

Coach Brian “Soup” Knorr — 2014 addition, new Defensive Coordinator, Air Force veteran, solid dude. Hired on the strength of his #CrockpotWednesday potential.

Former Staff Members:

Coach Doug Mallory — Former Defensive Backfield Coach & Defensive Co-Coordinator, David Puddy look & soundalike. Also referred to as “Mr. Excitement” for his press conference persona.

Coach Seth Littrell — Former Offensive Coordinator, now at North Carolina. Looks like a cross between a young adult black bear and Burt Reynolds.

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Coach Mike Ekeler — Assistant Coach/DC 2011-2012, currently at Georgia. Makes Red Bull nervous and has a suspiciously flat head. Lived in an RV plugged into Memorial Stadium for four months in 2011. Batshit crazy.

Coach Jon Fabris — 2012 addition to @FakeCoachWilson‘s staff coaching the Defensive Ends & Special Teams. Has that flinty crazy-eyed look that tells you he probably knows where the bodies are buried. Batshit crazy.

Places & Things:

Crockpots@FakeCoachWilson‘s love of slow cooking grew from his early days in Bloomington when his staff would gather in Coach Ekeler’s Holiday Rambler RV to sample Ro*Tel & Velveeta queso from what was described as Ekeler’s “magical crockpot”.

#CrockpotWednesday — a weekly tradition upheld by the @FakeCoachWilson‘s staff where the coaches take turns sharing slow cooker goodness with their peers each Wednesday lunch.

#crocksticker@FakeCoachWilson‘s reward to those who tweet in what they’re enjoying at their talgate or on #CrockpotWednesday. If you earn a #crocksticker, @FCW will mail you a real sticker.

#LaFlamaBlanca — The white helmets worn by #iufb starting in 2011. The name was inspired by Kenny Power’s Mexican white suit dubbed “The White Flame” in Spanish.

#LaFlamaRoja — The traditional crimson helmets worn by #iufb.

#LaFlamaDelChromo — The candy-striped chrome helmets added for 2013.

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The Jumbotron — The ginormous scoreboard in the south end of Memorial Stadium, used for Wii & Xbox play, as well as Netflix movie nights.

Ro*Tel — Longtime sponsor from the BTN network. A pallet of 42 cases of Ro*Tel was found in the bowels of the West Stands of The Rock shortly after the arrival of @FakeCoachWilson.

The Cold Tub — Post-practice and postgame therapeutic ice baths endured by #iufb athletes. Never not funny when you watch the ice water come up to some poor dude’s man parts.

The Hot Tub — the backyard retreat of @FakeCoachWilson, source of postgame #hottubtweet reflections.

The Beer Fridge — treasured garage source of @FakeCoachWilson‘s tallboys.

#helmetsticker — Chief reward from @FakeCoachWilson for #iufb players and fans. Those who earn a #helmetsticker will be mailed a real sticker.

#victorybacon — Tradition good luck pre-game breakfast & postgame reward of @FakeCoachWilson.

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Tallboys@FakeCoachWilson‘s favorite size of beers can, the 16 oz. “tallboy”. @FCW is known to drink Tecate, Old Style, PBR, or Bud Light tallboys. Regulation 12 oz. & larger 22 oz. cans have been know to be acceptable substitutes in a pinch.

#tallboythirty — The @FakeCoachWilson term for happy hour.

The NEZ — The North Endzone of Memorial Stadium, home of the #iufb offices in the west wing and Bossman Fred Glass’s offices in the east side. On better days, @FakeCoachWilson & staff have been know to shoot fireworks from the towers. Also location of the “Henke Hall of Justice”, the large hall used for public events at The NEZ.

Cougardome — nickname for the Mellencamp indoor practice facility.

Slapdick Olympics — the semi-annual walk-on tryouts held by @FakeCoachWilson‘s staff. Videos of the event have been known to be good for laughs in the dark cold days of winter.

Holiday Rambler Navigator — Former LB Coach Mike Ekeler’s family RV, which became famous when Ekeler arrived in Bloomington lived in the bus at Memorial Stadium for a period immediately after he was hired.

McNutt — IU Residence Hall that @FakeCoachWilson lived in briefly immediately after his hire. Generally named in reference to lessons learned while residing there.

Catchphrases:

Slapdick — Traditional coachtalk describing a half-ass knucklehead action.

#WinToday — Kevin Wilson watchwords.

#warhammer — taken from the 2013 @FakeCoachWilson schedule poster

#CrankItUp — Kevin Wilson standard.

#LockYerJaw — a classic Bill Mallory-ism

“Everybodycoolwiththat?” — From Michael Weireb’s seminal inside look at the new 2011 #iufb program on Grantland.com.

“Runs through trash…” — a hard to tackle running back, a Kevin Wilson classic.

“Shit in his neck” — a hardnosed football player, from the Weinreb article.

* Any representation or mention of public figures in the @FakeCoachWilson universe is done in the spirit of parody. This undertaking is done to raise interest and enthusiasm for the Indiana University Football program. Go Hoosiers.

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#CrockpotWednesday: Beef Barley Soup

From special guest host Athletic Director Fred Glass:

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Ingredients:

  • 1 pound lean stew beef, cut in 1/2-inch cubes
  • 1/2 cup chopped onion
  • 2 ribs celery, chopped
  • 2 medium carrots, diced
  • 3/4 cup barley
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 6 cups beef broth
  • 1 teaspoon salt, or to taste
  • pepper, to taste

Preparation:

In crockpot, combine stew beef with onion, celery, carrots, barley, bay leaf, and beef broth. Cook beef and barley soup on LOW in crockpot for 6 to 8 hours. Taste and add salt and pepper, to taste.

http://southernfood.about.com/od/crockpotsoup/r/bl16c2.htm

(As always, any representation or mention of public figures in the @FakeCoachWilson universe is done in the spirit of parody. Go Hoosiers.)

#CrockpotWednesday: Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken Chili

A little something spicy, and maybe a bit crazy, from the Coach Fabris family:

Fans of buffalo chicken wings will fall for this spicy, slow-cooked soup! Top individual servings with crumbled blue cheese to complete the flavor.

PREP TIME 15 Minutes, TOTAL TIME 8 Hr 15 Minutes, SERVINGS 6

2 1/2 lb boneless skinless chicken thighs, cut into 1-inch pieces
1 large onion, chopped (about 1 cup)
2 medium stalks celery, sliced (about 1 cup)
2 medium carrots, chopped (about 1 cup)
1 can (28 oz) Muir Glen® organic diced tomatoes, undrained
1 can (15 oz) Progresso® black beans, drained, rinsed
1 cup Progresso® chicken broth (from 32-oz carton)
2 teaspoons chili powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup buffalo wing sauce (from 12-oz jar)

Crumbled blue cheese, if desired

1. Spray 5- to 6-quart slow cooker with cooking spray. In cooker, mix all ingredients except buffalo wing sauce and cheese.
2. Cover; cook on Low heat setting 8 to 10 hours.
3. Stir in buffalo wing sauce. Serve sprinkled with blue cheese.

#CrockpotWednesday: La Flama Blanca Beans & Sun-Dried Tomatoes

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Courtesy Mrs. Coach Mallory:

Ingredients:
1 lb dried great northern beans, sorted and rinsed (2 cups)
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
6 cups water
1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil leaves
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
3/4 cup finely chopped sun-dried tomato packed in oil
1 (2 1/4 ounce) can sliced ripe olives, drained
 
Directions:
 
1. Mix all ingredients except tomatoes and olives in slow cooker.
2 Cover and cook on high heat setting 4 to 5 hours or until beans are tender.